You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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