apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
