Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
