Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
