I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
