Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You need Xanax blowdarts
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
