a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
