We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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