I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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