I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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