dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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