My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
