we're chasing vodka with high fives
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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