Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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