Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
