it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
