had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
