guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So many bounce houses so little time
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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