Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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