my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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