Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
