ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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