My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
