By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
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Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
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I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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