saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
