i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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