6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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