I hate your face
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
