Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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