mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
