he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
