everyone is single if you try hard enough
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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