she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
