Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
