my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just had sex on a roof
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
