I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
