I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize