bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
