a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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