i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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