I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
