The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
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Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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