Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
