why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
