God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
