I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
