If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cannot find my penis.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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