You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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