tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
