Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
