I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
