what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Randomize
