My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
