I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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