With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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