I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die